Tuesday, July 12, 2011

It's weird, because before when I was indescribably in love with you, and you were over the butterflies and random kisses, all I wanted was to be over you in the same way. And now that I have gotten to that place that you have been for too long, all I want is to feel something again. Every day I would cry myself to sleep without making a real change. I'd go back after you would treat me like shit, I'd pretend to be someone I wasn't, just holding onto the tiny bit of hope that you would one day fall back in love with me the same way you did three years ago. I was the one destroying myself. Not you. I blamed you for continuing to text and call me and every time your name would pop up on my phone I could feel those butterflies flying around in my stomach. And every time, I would answer to your beck and call because I missed you so much. I missed your touch and every single laugh I had shared with you. I missed tickle fights. I missed you picking me up before school and kissing me right when I jumped into the car. I missed you holding my hand when you drove me home. I miss the texts I would get right when I would walk into my house after spending the entire day with you. I missed those incredible conversations. I missed everything that was in the past and I was chasing a feeling you could no longer deliver. You left me. And I blamed you for the way you changed, but at the same time, I grew up and stopped believing you were the best person in the world and everything just became so hard. Breaks and weeks without talking and plans and promises broken. I blamed you. And now as I sit here with one tear running down my face I realize this is the last tear I will ever cry over you. In a way, I wish you had held on because I want to love you, but it's my fault for not knowing when the line of love becomes the line of desperation. Thanks for everything you brought to the table and you have changed me for the better and made me a stronger person. But it's time to figure out what I want.


Friday, July 1, 2011