Tuesday, January 25, 2011

So, Get this. I'm walking to my car today. It's raining. I'm cold. Basically shivering. As the small raindrops hit my hair and I can feel it slowly trickling down my back, through my shirt.. I can feel everything it feels like. Anyway, so, I'm walking to my car and I look to the left and see the two bitchiest bitches watching me as they walk. Laughing (probably at me considering I'm not really the most popular person anymore). Acting like this cold, wet, rain is not even close to bothering them when the fact is that this rain that is affecting me incredibly much. I'm freezing at this point. I keep walking and they trail behind me.. Still laughing. I find myself wondering what I look like from the back, or if there is anything on my jeans, or if my clothes are cute enough for them to think they are adorable. When finally, I see my good friend Dillon. He yells my name across the parking lot waiting at my car. I look back at those bitchy girls staring at me (obviously judging my outfit/way of walking/etc.) and roll my eyes and laugh.

Why do I even care what they think?

I have my friends who love me more than anything, who don't care what I wear or how I walk. And right when I saw my best friend yelling my name waiting for me, the cold, wet rain didn't feel so bad.

In a way I feel bad for those girls. They will never get out of high school. There is so much more than hook ups, gossip, and the latest fashion disaster. Seriously...

It's four months today until graduation. I cannot wait to explore what god has planned for me.

"My lack of interest in seeing you is not a strategy. I'm not playing hard to get. I don't want to see you because I turned my life upside down for you and you walked away because for a week I was cranky. You're untrustworthy, so I don't want to see you. You're self-centered, so I don't want to see you. I am a hundred percent certain that if I let you back in my life again you will hurt me again, so I don't want to see you. This isn't a ploy. I'm not pouting. I don't want you in my life. Get your crap out of my apartment."

Thursday, January 20, 2011

And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears
And love will not break your heart but dismiss your fears

"don't say 'i love you'. instead say, 'i have been loving you'-present progressive tense...done in the past, exists in the present, and will continue in the future."

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

you are you

"Anticipating your, once in a while, compressed, unsettling messages is getting old. I can't stand thinking about you all the time. It's like my brain is collapsing all at one time when you are present in my mind. Why can't we just be happy?"

I shove my pen in the drawer and stare at what I have written down. The words would just look like scribbles to you. I crumble up the perfectly crisp piece of paper and toss it across the room. What is currently going on in my life, means insignificantly nothing to you and what is currently going on in your life means everything. You would never waste a minute of your precious time reading it.

I wished you weren't so selfish.

I wished I could go back to one moment in our lives together and pause and stay in that moment. When my hair fell through my eyes and I peered out with hesitation. You took your gently touch and moved my hair out of my eyes.

"I can't do this anymore. I cannot keep expecting you to deliver a feeling for me that you can't anymore."

You looked up. Said nothing. And let me walk away from everything we had built.
I wanted so badly to turn around and just jump into your arms. My safety net wasn't there to catch me anymore though. That had been gone for quite a while and frankly, I had been chasing the feeling I used to receive from you for a practical amount of time now. You walked away from me, absent minded, a long time ago.

I am sorry for constantly trying to make you something you will never be. I am sorry for trying to make you different, because you are you. And I cannot change that I wasn't the one.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

I am having a great day! I just had an incredibly fun lunch with my best friends and read up on the blogs I follow... I haven't felt this genuinely happy in a while and it feels nice to be happy in the moment instead of always looking for the next best thing. I enjoy what I do.

I enjoy having people in my life that I can call my chosen family. Thank you to all my friends who have shown me that I have people who will love me no matter what. It all sounds so ridiculous almost, but with everything that has happened this year with Jake dying, and mistakes I have made. I have realized that I have the most genuine friends who have stuck by my side through the bad, the worse, and the ugly. I love you all;

Monday, January 17, 2011


S t a r i n g at the cursor blink feels like all I can do. I can't quite comprehend how I got to this p l a c e.

"Get the fuck out."

That's all I remember him saying, and her leaving quickly, complaining. Saying goodbye. Insanely fake, like I didn't mean anything I was saying to her. I miss when things were normal and we didn't have to spend time walking on egg shells, in our own home. More of a household. A home is more or less characterized as a place of enjoyment or where you can go to relax.

"It's never been this bad." S h e' s finally gone, and my father can breath again. I don't blame him. He finally stated what had been building up and bothering him for years now.

It's been bad, but not this terrible. It's been bad but not to the point where I am terrified of what she may do next. It has been bad, but not to the point where I thought my entire life would be defined on one afternoon of drunken fights and checking up on her in my parents bedroom to make sure everything is alright at 4:00 when she is still in bed.

I feel bad for my younger brother. I go out with friends and try to dismiss the thoughts flowing through the mind of mine that works almost 24/7. And when I am with those people who I love, it feels like I forget for a split second. Like they are the family I chose. He doesn't have many people to talk to about everything. I want to be here for him when she calls him worthless. And I aspire to be the best older sister; I hope when I move out this year, things finally heal.

"What is going to happen when I leave?" I ask my little brother. Slowly, almost dreading what he has to say. "If things get bad, we will figure it out. I love you. You & I will always be family."

Sunday, January 16, 2011

I came to a realization last night. I exhaustively hate people. I hate how you cannot trust anyone except for yourself. I hate that people have mood swings that you cannot figure out for the life of you. I hate that every relationship starts out as a game and will most likely carry on like that until you break up... and then once you are broken up, the games start once again.

So, it leads me to the extensive questions I ask most of the time...

Why can't people stop being so complicated and appreciate what they have? Why can't we all learn that all we have is each other? Or is it just me who is the culprit? Is it me who is the problem?

I am currently realizing this due to the disastrous verity that I have been playing games, had games played on me, been left by friends, lied to people, had people lie to me, left friends, made mistakes, learned from those mistakes I made that hurt people, and in the end I blamed everyone else around me, and I still periodically do.

I have made my fair share of mistakes and if I have ever hurt you in any way, I want you to know I have grown and gained the balls to apologize and admit I was wrong. This is my first step to healing my hatred of people.

  1. Hugs from behind.
  2. When someone remembers what you told them a long time ago.
  3. Knowing every single word to a song.
  4. Singing loudly in the shower.
  5. Reading old conversations over and over again.
  6. The smell of gasoline.
  7. People with perfect accents.
  8. Friends who actually keep your secrets.
  9. Laughing so hard you aren’t making a sound.
  10. Loving someone and having them love you back.
  11. When strangers open doors for you.
  12. Books that you don’t ever want to stop reading.
  13. Ripping the tag off of new clothes you can’t wait to wear.
  14. Recognizing someone’s scent.
  15. Taking your bra off at the end of the day

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Free Thinking

  1. I guess every thought in my head lately has been a question. I have been insanely confused about every little detail that is happening in my life and it leads me to one simple explanation... I have no idea where I am going. I have an idea of what I will be doing in 2011, but any years that are after that, I cannot even make out. And that's sad to me, or atleast it felt sad. I feel like my entire life has been so planned out. Like I've known everything that is going to happen. I've been sitting here for the past hour thinking of how incomplete life really is. Do we ever accomplish anything? We die in the middle of what we are trying to make happen. We die with no thought. It's unbelievable. So I am sort of glad I have no idea what is to come. Because if I did, I would be just chasing a dream that is bound not to happen. My dreams are surrounded by what if's and should have been's. I miss when all of this was simple..
  2. I was thinking about New Year's eve. And how we waste our time getting incredibly wasted and ringing in a NEW year. Like... seriously. Our new year's resolutions may be to stop drinking or cut off getting crazy or falling back into old habits... but isn't that was new year's eve is all about? We hook up with the latest weapon that we barely like... or kiss some random dude at the strike of 12? Shouldn't we try to be a better person at the strike of midnight and hold that out until the next year? Atleast that's the way it should be... That's the way we think.. We think, "Oh yea. this night doesn't count, I'm just partying and having fun with good friends." We are terrible.
  3. Excuse me if these sound ridiculous and stupid..

Tuesday, January 4, 2011


2011 New Year's Resolutions Include:
(I have to admit, I put 2010 instead of 2011 just now... Is it not crazy how fast this year has flown by?)
1. Start appreciating all the good in my life, instead of focusing on the bad or negative.
2. GET FIT! Start actually going to the gym & eat healthy.
3. Keep place clean at all time.
4. Remember important people's birthdays & buy them generous gifts.
5. Recycle a lot more.
6. Figure out more to do with Random Acts of Kindness Club.
7. Figure out what I want to do in this life. A Purpose.