So, Get this. I'm walking to my car today. It's raining. I'm cold. Basically shivering. As the small raindrops hit my hair and I can feel it slowly trickling down my back, through my shirt.. I can feel everything it feels like. Anyway, so, I'm walking to my car and I look to the left and see the two bitchiest bitches watching me as they walk. Laughing (probably at me considering I'm not really the most popular person anymore). Acting like this cold, wet, rain is not even close to bothering them when the fact is that this rain that is affecting me incredibly much. I'm freezing at this point. I keep walking and they trail behind me.. Still laughing. I find myself wondering what I look like from the back, or if there is anything on my jeans, or if my clothes are cute enough for them to think they are adorable. When finally, I see my good friend Dillon. He yells my name across the parking lot waiting at my car. I look back at those bitchy girls staring at me (obviously judging my outfit/way of walking/etc.) and roll my eyes and laugh.

Why do I even care what they think?

I have my friends who love me more than anything, who don't care what I wear or how I walk. And right when I saw my best friend yelling my name waiting for me, the cold, wet rain didn't feel so bad.

In a way I feel bad for those girls. They will never get out of high school. There is so much more than hook ups, gossip, and the latest fashion disaster. Seriously...

It's four months today until graduation. I cannot wait to explore what god has planned for me.

"My lack of interest in seeing you is not a strategy. I'm not playing hard to get. I don't want to see you because I turned my life upside down for you and you walked away because for a week I was cranky. You're untrustworthy, so I don't want to see you. You're self-centered, so I don't want to see you. I am a hundred percent certain that if I let you back in my life again you will hurt me again, so I don't want to see you. This isn't a ploy. I'm not pouting. I don't want you in my life. Get your crap out of my apartment."

And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears

And love will not break your heart but dismiss your fears

"don't say 'i love you'. instead say, 'i have been loving you'-present progressive tense...done in the past, exists in the present, and will continue in the future."

you are you

"Anticipating your, once in a while, compressed, unsettling messages is getting old. I can't stand thinking about you all the time. It's like my brain is collapsing all at one time when you are present in my mind. Why can't we just be happy?"

I shove my pen in the drawer and stare at what I have written down. The words would just look like scribbles to you. I crumble up the perfectly crisp piece of paper and toss it across the room. What is currently going on in my life, means insignificantly nothing to you and what is currently going on in your life means everything. You would never waste a minute of your precious time reading it.

I wished you weren't so selfish.

I wished I could go back to one moment in our lives together and pause and stay in that moment. When my hair fell through my eyes and I peered out with hesitation. You took your gently touch and moved my hair out of my eyes.

"I can't do this anymore. I cannot keep expecting you to deliver a feeling for me that you can't anymore."

You looked up. Said nothing. And let me walk away from everything we had built.

I wanted so badly to turn around and just jump into your arms. My safety net wasn't there to catch me anymore though. That had been gone for quite a while and frankly, I had been chasing the feeling I used to receive from you for a practical amount of time now. You walked away from me, absent minded, a long time ago.

I am sorry for constantly trying to make you something you will never be. I am sorry for trying to make you different, because you are you. And I cannot change that I wasn't the one.

I am having a great day! I just had an incredibly fun lunch with my best friends and read up on the blogs I follow... I haven't felt this genuinely happy in a while and it feels nice to be happy in the moment instead of always looking for the next best thing. I enjoy what I do.

I enjoy having people in my life that I can call my chosen family. Thank you to all my friends who have shown me that I have people who will love me no matter what. It all sounds so ridiculous almost, but with everything that has happened this year with Jake dying, and mistakes I have made. I have realized that I have the most genuine friends who have stuck by my side through the bad, the worse, and the ugly. I love you all;

INSOMNIA

S t a r i n g at the cursor blink feels like all I can do. I can't quite comprehend how I got to this p l a c e.

"Get the fuck out."

That's all I remember him saying, and her leaving quickly, complaining. Saying goodbye. Insanely fake, like I didn't mean anything I was saying to her. I miss when things were normal and we didn't have to spend time walking on egg shells, in our own home. More of a household. A home is more or less characterized as a place of enjoyment or where you can go to relax.

"It's never been this bad." S h e' s finally gone, and my father can breath again. I don't blame him. He finally stated what had been building up and bothering him for years now.

It's been bad, but not this terrible. It's been bad but not to the point where I am terrified of what she may do next. It has been bad, but not to the point where I thought my entire life would be defined on one afternoon of drunken fights and checking up on her in my parents bedroom to make sure everything is alright at 4:00 when she is still in bed.

I feel bad for my younger brother. I go out with friends and try to dismiss the thoughts flowing through the mind of mine that works almost 24/7. And when I am with those people who I love, it feels like I forget for a split second. Like they are the family I chose. He doesn't have many people to talk to about everything. I want to be here for him when she calls him worthless. And I aspire to be the best older sister; I hope when I move out this year, things finally heal.

"What is going to happen when I leave?" I ask my little brother. Slowly, almost dreading what he has to say. "If things get bad, we will figure it out. I love you. You & I will always be family."

I came to a realization last night. I exhaustively hate people. I hate how you cannot trust anyone except for yourself. I hate that people have mood swings that you cannot figure out for the life of you. I hate that every relationship starts out as a game and will most likely carry on like that until you break up... and then once you are broken up, the games start once again.

So, it leads me to the extensive questions I ask most of the time...

Why can't people stop being so complicated and appreciate what they have? Why can't we all learn that all we have is each other? Or is it just me who is the culprit? Is it me who is the problem?

I am currently realizing this due to the disastrous verity that I have been playing games, had games played on me, been left by friends, lied to people, had people lie to me, left friends, made mistakes, learned from those mistakes I made that hurt people, and in the end I blamed everyone else around me, and I still periodically do.

I have made my fair share of mistakes and if I have ever hurt you in any way, I want you to know I have grown and gained the balls to apologize and admit I was wrong. This is my first step to healing my hatred of people.

15 THINGS I LOVE

1. Hugs from behind.
2. When someone remembers what you told them a long time ago.
3. Knowing every single word to a song.
4. Singing loudly in the shower.
5. Reading old conversations over and over again.
6. The smell of gasoline.
7. People with perfect accents.
8. Friends who actually keep your secrets.
9. Laughing so hard you aren’t making a sound.
10. Loving someone and having them love you back.
11. When strangers open doors for you.
12. Books that you don’t ever want to stop reading.
13. Ripping the tag off of new clothes you can’t wait to wear.
14. Recognizing someone’s scent.
15. Taking your bra off at the end of the day

5 Pictures That Describe My Mood

Free Thinking

1. I guess every thought in my head lately has been a question. I have been insanely confused about every little detail that is happening in my life and it leads me to one simple explanation... I have no idea where I am going. I have an idea of what I will be doing in 2011, but any years that are after that, I cannot even make out. And that's sad to me, or atleast it felt sad. I feel like my entire life has been so planned out. Like I've known everything that is going to happen. I've been sitting here for the past hour thinking of how incomplete life really is. Do we ever accomplish anything? We die in the middle of what we are trying to make happen. We die with no thought. It's unbelievable. So I am sort of glad I have no idea what is to come. Because if I did, I would be just chasing a dream that is bound not to happen. My dreams are surrounded by what if's and should have been's. I miss when all of this was simple..
2. I was thinking about New Year's eve. And how we waste our time getting incredibly wasted and ringing in a NEW year. Like... seriously. Our new year's resolutions may be to stop drinking or cut off getting crazy or falling back into old habits... but isn't that was new year's eve is all about? We hook up with the latest weapon that we barely like... or kiss some random dude at the strike of 12? Shouldn't we try to be a better person at the strike of midnight and hold that out until the next year? Atleast that's the way it should be... That's the way we think.. We think, "Oh yea. this night doesn't count, I'm just partying and having fun with good friends." We are terrible.
3. Excuse me if these sound ridiculous and stupid..

2011!

2011 New Year's Resolutions Include:

(I have to admit, I put 2010 instead of 2011 just now... Is it not crazy how fast this year has flown by?)

1. Start appreciating all the good in my life, instead of focusing on the bad or negative.

2. GET FIT! Start actually going to the gym & eat healthy.

3. Keep place clean at all time.

4. Remember important people's birthdays & buy them generous gifts.

5. Recycle a lot more.

6. Figure out more to do with Random Acts of Kindness Club.

7. Figure out what I want to do in this life. A Purpose.

I WANT;;

ELLEN PAGE AS MY BEST FRIEND;;

THAT WOMAN WHO'S BEING CHEATED ON TO EMBARRASS HIM;;

ALL BUSSES TO SAY THIS;;

TO LOOK LIKE THIS ON GRADUATION WITH MY THREE BEST FRIENDS;;

FOR CERTAIN PEOPLE;;

FOR MY BEST FRIENDS;;

FOR DILLON & CASEY;;

FOR MY PARENTS;;

FOR JESSICA/ROOMY, I THOUGHT OF YOU WHEN I SAW THIS;;

FOR THE BITCHY NEIGHBOR;;

FOR THE US GOVERNMENT;;

FOR ANYONE WHO KEEPS UP WITH PROJECT 365;;

I got to thinking about relationships the other day, as I sat by my lonesome on the beach. Picking up grains of sand and trying to figure it all out. There are those relationships that open you up to something new and exotic, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. Sometimes loving yourself can be the hardest relationship to endure. I remember thinking I was so in love with someone when I realized you have to be with yourself before you can be with someone else. And if you can find someone to love the you, you love, well, that's just fabulous.

5 Pictures that describe my mood

I Like...I Hate...

I like boys with a funny personality and girls who are not fake.

I like doing nothing with someone, but still having fun.

I like wearing rings.

I like feeling at home.

I like how I can be myself with my best friend.

I like feeling control by having a camera in my hand and snapping the perfect shot.

I like the O.C.

I like the feeling of my Ugg slippers on my feet right now.

I like becoming obsessed with an outfit and wearing it 4 days straight but hanging out with different people so that they don’t realize I wore it the day before.

I like getting ready for parties with your best friend, listening to dance music.

I like the stage of a relationship when everything is new and exciting and there are so many questions.

I like stories about how people in love met, and engagement stories.

I love looking forward to an event.

Today I decided to lay low and enjoyed every minute of it.

In some ways, I love everything.

I hate when feeling guilty when I complain. (but still needing to complain)

I hate sloppy drunk people.

I hate people who think they are better than you.

I hate wallaby shoes.

I hate realizing I am wrong in a situation and having to admit I am wrong.

I hate tacky clothing choices you made a year ago.

I hate people who cry when they see you, but in a way, it's humbling.

I hate when you really admire someone, but they hardly know you at all.

I hate when your life feels like a Skins episode.

Happiness

Unrealistic

“I do know that if I don’t ask you to be mine, I’ll regret it for the rest of my life”

[Runaway Bride]

“I love that you get cold when it's seventy degrees out. I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich. I love that you get a little crinkle above your nose when you're looking at me like I'm nuts. I love that after I spend a day with you I can still smell your perfume on my clothes, and I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night.”

[When Harry Met Sally]

“I think I’d miss you even if we’d never met.” [The Wedding Date]

“You had me at hello.” [Jerry Maguire]

These are all lines from a genre of film I affectionately refer to as… Chick Porn. Why chick porn? Well when put into context of how we, as women, view “regular porn, ” as unrealistic portrayals of a man’s idealistic view of a woman, it’s exactly the same. Chick Porn is a woman’s unrealistic view of an idealized man. We watch these movies (currently Runaway Bride is playing on my TV) and develop these subconscious expectations of our boyfriends, husbands, or future spouses. When life is less glamorous than breakfast at Tiffany’s, we blame the guy, when really we bring this upon ourselves. I’m not implying we should all swear off romantic comedies and dramas (obviously, I’m watching one even now), but I do think that we should be aware of how they affect us. I know for some friends, this means that they literally cannot watch movies that make them lust after a fictional scenario and for others it means bringing the knowledge of reality to the forefront of their minds and not holding anyone accountable to ridiculous expectations.

Life is not a movie, much to my dismay. You don’t always meet your soul-mate dancing in the rain or on the observation deck of the Empire State Building, but who wants to be in love with a story? The real thing is better.

Old Work

This one is kind of hard to explain. I wrote this a while ago trying to explain everything I felt. All my thoughts poured out on paper. I love re-reading the way I thought. I found some old thoughts. Reminds me of what I have overcome. This one is the most positive one I found.

I really like to play up people's hands. We use them so much everyday. I think hands can change the world. I think hands show a lot of emotion. This one is basically the whole reason of peace. I have the peace sign and then the background represents the peacefulness of earth. Things that came about from nature. Interpret the heart ring the way you want.. For me, it used to represent something I had with someone.

My all-time favorite. It makes me so unbelievably happy. Exposure is the number one key. I just want to enjoy everything in life. I want to remember love and peace and life and memories and this picture; I don't know why it is just amazing!

Road of life. Obstacles we face. The vines and branches are everything we have met. I like this. It shows there is a light at the end of the journey. It keeps going. It never ends. This path was in Hilton Head. I loved it. It was the most relaxed I'd been in a while. I was going through a hard time then, and when I took this it reminded me I just needed to keep fighting.

This shell meant a lot to me. I'm not sure if the person who gave this to me will remember, but I felt like this shell was a symbol of our relationship. The circle keeps going until it has to end. It can't go on forever, even if I thought it would go a little longer. Even if the end was sharp and confusing. It's still beautiful to me.

Spent most of the day watching The O.C.. I just can't get enough of that show. I guess it's a safe place for me. Whenever I'm upset, or something is bothering me I tend to turn to it. It just puts me in a completely different mindset and takes me away for a little bit. For anyone who wants to escape, just watch this :)

LIES

How to Detect Lies

Become a Lie Detector

Warning: sometimes ignorance is bliss; after gaining this knowledge, you may be hurt when it is obvious that someone is lying to you.

Introduction to Detecting Lies:

Signs of Deception:The following techniques to telling if someone is lying are often used by police and security experts. This knowledge is also useful for managers, employers, and for anyone to use in everyday situations where telling the truth from a lie can help prevent you from being a victim of fraud/scams and other deceptions.

Body Language of Lies:

• Physical expression will be limited and stiff, with few arm and hand movements. Hand, arm and leg movement are toward their own body the liar takes up less space.

• A person who is lying to you will

avoid making eye contact.

• Hands touching their face, throat & mouth. Touching or scratching the nose or behind their ear. Not likely to touch his chest/heart with an open hand.

Emotional Gestures & Contradiction

• Timing and duration of emotional gestures and emotions are off a normal pace. The display of emotion is delayed, stays longer it would naturally, then stops suddenly.

• Timing is off between emotions gestures/expressions and words. Example: Someone says "I love it!" when receiving a gift, and then smile after making that statement, rather then at the same time the statement is made.

• Gestures/expressions don’t match the verbal statement, such as frowning when saying “I love you.”

• Expressions are limited to mouth movements when someone is faking emotions (like happy, surprised, sad, awe, )instead of the whole face. For example; when someone smiles naturally their whole face is involved: jaw/cheek movement, eyes and forehead push down, etc.

Also see our article on micro expressions & lying.

Interactions and Reactions

• A guilty person gets defensive. An innocent person will often go on the offensive.

• A liar is uncomfortable facing his questioner/accuser and may turn his head or body away.

• A liar might unconsciously place objects (book, coffee cup, etc.) between themselves and you.

Verbal Context and Content

• A liar will use your words to make answer a question. When asked, “Did you eat the last cookie?” The liar answers, “No, I did not eat the last cookie.”

•A statement with a contraction is more likely to be truthful: “ I didn't do it” instead of “I did not do it”

• Liars sometimes avoid "lying" by not making direct statements. They imply answers instead of denying something directly.

• The guilty person may speak more than natural, adding unnecessary details to convince you... they are not comfortable with silence or pauses in the conversation.

• A liar may leave out pronouns and speak in a monotonous tone. When a truthful statement is made the pronoun is emphasized as much or more than the rest of the words in a statement.

• Words may be garbled and spoken softly, and syntax and grammar may be off. In other
words, his sentences will likely be muddled rather than emphasized.

• The use of distancing language.

• If you believe someone is lying, then change subject of a conversation quickly, a liar follows along willingly and becomes more relaxed. The guilty wants the subject changed; an innocent person may be confused by the sudden change in topics and will want to back to the previous subject.Other signs of a lie:

• Using humor or sarcasm to avoid a subject.

Final Notes:

Obviously, just because someone exhibits one or more of these signs does not make them a liar. The above behaviors should be compared to a persons base (normal) behavior whenever possible.

Most lie detecting experts agree that a combination of body language and other cues must be used to make an educated guess on whether someone is telling the truth or a lie.

Lights. I guess I really look up to her for different reasons. She is a canadian singer who moved around a lot as a kid and seemed to find her ground in music.